Do Not Know Why She Stays

by Mary
(USA)

My college roommate married her boyfriend one month after graduation. At 22 years old he was intense, quick to judge and indifferent to her family and friends. She thought he was smart and "going places" and was hooked.

At a reunion 15 years later, they got into a fight and he left the restaurant where everyone had gathered. I stood at the window with her and watched him get into his truck, and then oddly drive around in repeated circles around a flagpole at the end of the street. He kept circling around this thing fast and weird. I knew something was way wrong.

I asked if he hits her and she said "only when I hit him first to get away from him". She explained how he slams her into walls, gets 1-inch away from her face, and yells at her with evil in his eyes. When he holds her hands up over her head, she has to knee him in the crotch so he will back off. That is when he hits her then just says "You hit me first".
That was 3 years ago.

Since then, he has purchased guns and carries one in his pocket that has the laser point. She says he aims the gun at her and puts the laser on her, then calls her "crazy" for being freaked out by it. He restricts her access to money, has taken her name off all joint property, gets reports of her text messages and tracks where her phone is on a mapping software package so he can "surprise" her by showing up. He recently broke her finger when he tackled her to the floor during an argument and started ripping her clothes off. She thinks he would have raped her except their son came home.

Through all of this, she will not leave. I've talked to her and lent a listening ear, never any judgment. I've suggested she call the domestic violence hotline or research the internet to help get some answers. I've offered my phone and my computer. She has done nothing to help herself.
I just talked to her and she is planning a family vacation to Europe with their two teenage kids. She sounds like she is in love with the drama in her life, and has decided to "put perfume on the pig". I am exhausted by her antics, and each time I talk to her my heart breaks.

Congratulations to anyone who has left their abuser. You have gotten rid of a large toxic presence in your life, and I assume all of your other relationships will improve as a result.

Comments for Do Not Know Why She Stays

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Jul 15, 2015
your words to gods ears
by: rainonme

she is lucky to have someone in her life like you. that cares enough and has your energy and support. a lot of women have no one on there side. no one to have there back. god bless you, her, and your efforts.

Aug 24, 2015
Been there
by: Tracey

Please don't give up on your friend. She needs you more than you know. I know its hard for you to stand by and watch all of this happen to her. While it may seem like she doesn't want help or to leave the relationship,she may just feel like she doesn't have a choice especially when she is financially controlled. I know from personal experience. I have left my abusive relationship several times but have always returned because I cannot make it on my own financially. Its a terrible situation to be in but I do what I have to do to survive, especially when there are children involved. She is fortunate to have a friend like you!

Oct 30, 2016
same experience
by: Ama

After I have read your story, all similar issues xame up on me. I met a couple of years a mate, to whom I became really close during studies.
From outside, he seemed to be friendly to alomost every one. I knew he was also like me divorced and has 2 children. Only at beginning he didn´t mention so much about his (at that time)partnership.

Until when we study colleagues had a X-Mas dinner. I do remember very well, when he came back from outside announcing, he has to go. Allthough it was late and he didn´t want to lost train connection to the place where he stays, there was also other train connection where he only has to change ones.Even at that moment when he finished talking to her partner on the phone his expression of his face said to me something is strange.

By the time, more suspicious things happened like e.g.: sometimes he would like to be closed to me then the other moment he would keep standing away
As next I remembered also when I was ill for couple of days after when I opened up my Facebook I noticed R.´s profile were also online. The same thing happened more than often.

The other thing also I heard rumors from few female colleagues about how lovely his partnership is. But from one male colleague who also was at his age said something different.

When the time came we were on internship, one evening R.´s daughter wrote me a message on Facebook inbox. After she has confessed , what I have almost suspected it has been a shock. R.´s partner has been abusive to him quite long. This woman expects what he his allow to do or not to do. She has his passwod for his Facebook, E-Mail account. Also the way she treted his children, it is another reason why his daughter since then (more than 4 yrs.) has not showed up in his place. She opens his letter, phonebills. Meanwhile I do understand why he wanted me to call him, when he needed to announce me about his cancer illness.

Not to mention she cheated. lied several on him. As far I am concered R. wanted to leave her but she threatened him. Meanwhile I do know the reason for: It seems she put him under pressure about his illness who will there for him.

It is 5 yrs. ago when I saw him at last. What I know is after I have took a break of my study due to my difficult illness R. wanted to keep our acqaintanceship. But due to partly misunderstanding I rejected any of his reconnection.

There are moments where I feel bad about it. Sometimes I cry. And there moments when I ask myself: Is there any hope???

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