Love is the feeling that makes the world go round. What everyone searches anxiously to find. Everyone would describe the feeling “of being in love” different because no love story is the same.
Have you ever felt a warm, tingly, indescribable happiness from the simple gesture of someone grabbing your face and kissing you? Home is a significant word, at least I think it is for most people. For me, I would describe “home” as a place in which you feel most comfortable, accepted, wanted and loved. Now imagine your home, the place where you grew up and where your parents are, just completely changed. You no longer felt that house was your true home, it moved somewhere different, with different people. The place in which your heart now calls “home” gives you a new meaning for the word. It now means the place in which you are going to build a life with someone you’ve given your heart. It’s scary as hell but also magical and incomparable to any other feeling I’ve ever had. When I moved out of my parents’ house, I moved into an apartment with my boyfriend. To say it was a little early in the relationship is the understatement of the century. However, the feeling of “being home” had all the same things I felt before, but there was so much more. I felt as if my soul had found its home, but it wasn’t in the one bedroom, one bath apartment above a garage. It was wherever he was, as long as I had him I felt like life could never be bad. We barely knew each-other honestly, we leaped into the deep end and hoped to swim. I’m guessing normally most people who have been in a relationship for a month don’t just move in together and decide to just jump into every aspect of life together. Well, we aren’t most people, and it was terrific. I did not have it terrible growing up, but it was not all that great either. My boyfriend was in a bad place when he met me, and he was an alcoholic who acted pretty careless. The household’s I grew up in was filled with alcohol, drugs, screaming, sadness, and many other feelings. So I was concerned about his past drinking and yeah he drank around me, and it was ok, but when he realized it was beginning to bother me, he changed it. He stopped. I had never really had anyone care so much about me to just change their life and grow for me. In his family, he was what most would call the “fuckup.” Pretty harsh, but he was also MIA almost all the time, driving around drunk, not paying any bills, with no steady job or care in the world. Then we met, and he began to change his life completely. Now a year and a half later, we bought a house, and he doesn’t drink at all. He works for a very reputable company with high pay. He’s got his life together more than any of his friends, and his family couldn’t be more proud. You probably also think things are great between us and we are happier than ever! Well, that is true, sometimes.
I thought he was my soulmate, the kindest, caring, loving and amazing person I had ever met. I used to feel blessed to have him in my life and thought he would always treat me like I was the most important thing. I remember the first time I ever broke down in front of him. We were sleeping at his parent’s house, and I don’t recollect why I was crying. I think I was crying over the drama with my mom and dad. He didn’t really know how bad it was and he just held me and made me feel so safe and loved. Those words aren’t even accurate enough to describe the way he comforted me. It was the most heartwarming, comforting feeling I think I had ever felt. You probably think this is an epic, romantic and inspiring love story, don’t you? Well, people change apparently. “The heart gets confused when it is constantly told "I love you" by the same person who destroys it. Dark huh? Well, it’s a pretty accurate description of how I feel now.
You probably thought he was a great catch, and I changed him from a bad boy to a sweet loving man who I was going to have my happily ever after with. LOL. I wish. So as you can see I’m kind of a dark humor type of girl, but at 1 a.m. when I feel alone its better than crying. His “dark side” came out in our first apartment but it has escalated and continues to get worse every time he gets in a mood. A mood for him is sleeping because, I don’t really know exactly why, but he sleeps all day sometimes and at night because he’s had a long day or is mad at me or is avoiding life and responsibility. For me sometimes sleeping isn’t ok, especially when we have responsibilities and I have things I want to talk to him about because he’s my person. The one I want to rely on even if it is for something stupid. If I’m sad, I want someone I can wake up to hold me or talk to me. If I woke him up upset, it would not end well. Tonight, he went in the bedroom when I thought he was in the shower and was like I guess just going to go to sleep. No kiss, no goodnight, and no I love you. When I went in there he had a “headache” and needed a minute. In the past year every time he’s said he’s just “laying down” he won’t get back up for anything or anyone. So I had a few things I wanted to talk to him about tonight. It’s almost Christmas, I‘m so excited I just wanted to iron out a few details and just talk about it with him. So when I went back in the bedroom and tried to talk to him, even though his “headache” was gone, it got bad again. He calls it a headache or being tired, but he knows I missed all day and can’t wait for him to get home and hang out with me so when he’s in a mood, he wants to hurt me. I think it brings him joy, which saying that out loud kind of makes me sick. He said he was going to spend this weekend in the bar, that I should have Christmas Eve dinner at my dad’s house because he doesn’t care and that he won’t wrap any of my presents. This is all after he promised to go cut down a Christmas tree with me for three weekends straight and slept instead. I decorated with my friend and set up an artificial 4 foot tree because he couldn’t be bothered. He knows how much I love Christmas and says and does this stuff because he can. Not setting up a tree or decorating with didn’t really upset me because things were like this more than I want to admit. He then started calling me names and saying things to purposely hurt me because he was tired, had a headache or whatever other reason he gives me for why he’s treating me like shit at night. So I cried and like normal, he’s sleeping now. Here I am alone and sad from how he treated me for more times than I can count now. I will get no apology in the morning, honestly I will probably apologize to him tomorrow. Pathetic aren’t I? Things are happy sometimes when we hang out and play call of duty or if he even takes the time to give me any sort of affection at all. Honestly I don’t know why I just take it and stay. You probably think I’m afraid to be alone or pathetic or maybe even an idiot. Maybe I am all of those things. I used to be so strong and independent, but I always give so much to the people I love and when I expect to get gratitude or really anything in return I’ve always been let down. It’s a recurring trend in my life that I’m such a good person and I love shitty people who don’t really care about me, but the worst part is I will see the best in someone until I absolutely can’t anymore. Usually they leave me before I can leave them. I was raised by my dad, who did his best, but drank too much and I had a drug addict absentee mom who only pretended to care when people were watching. Somewhere between my twelfth birthday and now I became someone who always has to be independent and strong but I have this urge to see the good in people, even if they don’t deserve it and sometimes if it isn’t there. But this is different my whole life is with him and I love him, maybe I love the person I moved into that apartment with. Regardless I still see the things he’s done right every time I think about leaving. Emotional abuse. It took me ten minutes to write those words because I can’t accept that’s what he’s doing to me. I read “30 signs you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship” tonight 28/30 were so accurate I couldn’t breathe. Emotional abuse isn’t the only thing he does to me. He’s shoved me into walls/furniture/off the bed and gotten pretty violent like that probably ten times, maybe more. Not that long ago we were fighting like tonight and he was telling me to get out, but I wouldn’t because I knew he wouldn’t mean it in the morning, when the mood was over. But something happened after that, he hit me, in the face, hard. He apologized and this happened almost a month ago. However here he is tonight shoving me around again. He hasn’t hit me since then and that was the only time it happened, but his vicious words intended to cut me deep, hard shoves and careless attitude isn’t going away and it’s getting worse.
Why do I stay? Why can’t I leave? No one deserves for another to treat them this way? I tell myself it’s me and that I’m in the wrong, but deep down I know it’s not. I’m a victim of emotional and physical abuse, and I can’t leave or tell anyone how bad it is. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I think maybe I’m seeking help? But why can’t I get help instead and write four pages of my innermost thoughts feelings and darkest secrets?