Should a victim bear their teeth?
J. Carmel writes this tip, suggesting that a victim should never feel sorry for an abusive partner. Such feelings are false and should never be an excuse for remaining in a violent relationship.
It is strange that the abuser is the one that the victim feels sorry for. Instead of the victim feeling sorry for herself. This happens to me. I have been married 47 years since I was 18 years old.
Probably the victims are vulnerable at that point in time and the 'abuser' sympathizes with you, you believe they understand you. Now that he is understanding towards you, and only HE believes that he is the only one to do so. Now you are dependent on him. You feel that you owe him for understanding and taking you away from an unhappy place.
Your feel that you need to protect him and do not wish to tell others how he is treating you because they may say I told you so! Sometimes pride is a bitch. No one wins.
After the beating and you make a stand to end it, he begins to cry (poor thing) only you can save him. You feel guilty you do not want to make him feel that you have been leading him on. And so one is caught in the cycle. Then when it is all over it was your fault that he got that way in the first place (if you had not blinked).
We are not responsible for their hang ups even if they threaten suicide, if we go ahead and make a firm decision. It is all melodrama, and they thrive on it. One has to have personal strength. People can sense fear in others, as do abusers. They are like dogs, but if you bare your teeth first, watch them duck.
For More Information
This article on Huffington Post
by a marriage and family counseling discusses more about how a battered person will blame themselves even though they recognize they are abused. Our article on the domestic violence cycle
explains the honeymoon phase
and the expectation that victims have that tension will build up and lead to more abuse.
If you need additional help to understand this tip for leaving an intimate relationship filled with violence, books like "You Can Be Free" may help you gain the confidence and self-esteem that you need. This particular book gives analysis to help one gain understanding of why a person might stay in an abusive relationship. Using this knowledge, the book then gives a toolbox of exercises and plans to find safety.
The book also provides help for a person who has come out of an abusive relationship successfully, but still needs some help rebuilding their life or gaining self-confidence and coping skills. Reader testimonial: "I read this, and it saved my life."
See more reviews of great books, videos and products on Domestic Violence Book Reviews
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