It's Too Hard to Admit. I Can't Go Anywhere.

by Anonymous

I close my eyes at night and wonder what tomorrow will bring. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly as I drift off to sleep. I tell myself that I have to remain positive, or I will crumble.

I feel crazy.

My heart sinks. I've been told to leave. I don't want to. I can't. Where would I go? What would I do? He is my support. My rock. My everything......

He would never hit me. He would never cross that line. He has threatened. I went to hug him. Apparently I was in his space. He told me to get away or he'd punch me in the face. He also has pretended. A slow motion, closed fist, to my face........ he taps my face....... "I bet you're going to go tell everyone I punched you now" he laughs.

I don't take into account his feelings. He feels unsupported. Unappreciated. I am not a wife. I am there. This is his house. My name isn't on the papers at all. What am I doing. Why do I stay. I love him.

I take a deep breath. I go on with my days. Things are good for a while. Then it changes.

I am stupid. I make no sense. Why would you even say that for. This isn't working. I didn't sign up for this. We should get a divorce. You need to get a slimming dress. You're a bitch. You're not allowed to work. You're not allowed to go to school. Why are you doing homework. You're smarter than you look... you can be smart only for a short amount of time. Pay attention to me. You need to do laundry. You need to do the dishes. I do everything around the house. Where is my f***ing shirt. The laundry gets dumped on me. He tosses the clothes towards my head. I f***ing hate you. Stop psycho-analyzing me. You're not allowed to do that. What do you think you're doing. Don't ever hang things on the walls of my house again. I am in this marriage alone. I want kids... don't you. I want to have sex. You have to have sex with me, you're my wife. Get off your phone. You're f***ing useless. Who are you talking to. Give me your passwords. You're making me out to be an ass.

I take a deep breath. I continue my routines. Things get better. Things get worse. Things get bad. He hasn't touched me. They get better again...... I am nervous. It will change. I just don't know when.

I never thought too much into what he said. I lost my friends. I was told I wasn't allowed to major in certain things because I'd be making too much money. I had to go to the same school he did. I moved 1000 miles away from everything I knew. I then moved halfway across the country with him. We can't go back to see family. He doesn't want to. He hates my friends. He makes fun of my family.

Nobody else sees it.

I am crazy.

"You must have done something for me to say those things"
Maybe I did. I don't know. It's all my fault.

I am crazy.
I am emotionally drained.
I want to cry.
Internalize.
Pretend it doesn't exist.
It's easier that way.....

I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I hope for the best. A day with one mean thing said is a better day than a day with two mean things said.

I love him. Things will get better. They have to. I can make this work.

Comments for It's Too Hard to Admit. I Can't Go Anywhere.

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Sep 14, 2014
My best and you would have been good friends
by: Anonymous

Please, tell me that your no longer in that situation! I pleaded with my best to get away from her Demon! But she refused! Last time I saw her! I pleaded please go with me? I was begging! I was sobbing! Her face all black and blue! Her left eye bleeding! I says to her! He's going to kill you! Is that what you want? She smiled and said seriously! It's gotta be better the. Where I a. Now! We parted ways! 1:30 am or so he shot and killed her in front of her two teenage daughter! Next time I saw her was in a snap shot laying on the desk of the Sheriff! She was laying on her back her shirt open and a bulled whole in her chest! The devil spent six months in the local city jail! Because he had heart problems! He did die about five years later with cancer! Not good enough! He should have suffered like she did for 26 years of being degraded! In- humanly treated! I wish and pray for you the best!

Apr 16, 2015
Response to I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE
by: PATRICIA

There is a description of what happens to elephants that are chained for an extended period of time. Chain his ankle for a few hours or days, and he still fights to get out. Chain him for over months (not accurately sure of the time) and you can safely remove the chain from his ankle; because his MIND has him locked in, for good. He won't try to run anymore; because he DOESN'T BELIEVE HE C A N .
There is a whole new world out there, for you to explore. Your husband is not (Actually, no human being is.) your world. They don't take up any more space on this planet, than you do.

I had a landlady who started out as you did. She stayed, in spite of the threats, the graduated slaps which graduated into punches and when he'd literally KICK her out of the house, (after the merciless beating) into the front yard; telling her to get the h__ out of his house, she'd beg him to let her STAY. She DIED from internal bleeding caused by years of aggravated abuse that had gotten more severe and frequent, as the years went by.

That is not LOVE he showed; but contempt. She was co-dependent. Look that word up.

You may not know what love really is. Many of us don't, until we find true love and recognize the obvious difference. You need to love YOURSELF, ENOUGH TO LEAVE. What you will leave behind you, is way more dangerous and deadly; than the unknown world ahead of you. Dying at the hands of someone you love is a pathetic way to go; when you realize how little you mean to that one you are sacrificing yourself for.

The saddest part is the fact that you think so little of yourself. If you won't fight for you... If you won't demand respect... If you don't count yourself worthy of far better treatment, than who will? If you don't R U N, WHILE YOU CAN, you might as well start planning for your funeral. You are committing slow suicide, by staying. God help you, if you have kids. They will be so MESSED UP , emotionally and psychologically; that their lives won't go far if you keep them there, in that hell-hole, with you. All of you will become abused prisoners in your own home. That will be a destiny of your own choosing. Do you really want that? Do you?

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