Abusive Marriage "Adjustment"

by Naina
(Thailand )

So I met this man through the family. We were family friends, and we knew only good things about each other's background. So we got married. It was more like a love come arranged marriage. The amount of time that we spent together before the wedding was just hardly one year together. Exactly "how come someone gets married so fast?". But oh, well our families got involved. Anyhow, I saw certain "red flags" way before we got married but it was minor at that point of time so I let it go and I always thought he would change "after marriage," but I was very WRONG.

I experienced HELL. I was married to him for two years (not really because I kept leaving and coming back to him). So first was verbal abuse. He would call me names like "bitch, whore, slut." One month after my wedding was my best friends wedding and my "husband" was way too drunk. It was 4 am in the morning, and I had asked him to come with me to our hotel room and call it a night. But no. He wouldn't listen. He wanted to stay on and have a good time. And I was afraid that he would make a scene in front of all my friends and embarrass me. But somehow I convinced him to go back with me, and he was drunk driving in the mountains at night on the way back. So the next morning I was pretty upset with his, and again he apologized for it. Months went by, and he would still verbally abuse me and call me names and talk about my parents which would get me immensely bugged, and we would argue and fight often.

That night it happened for the first time. It came with the first slap, followed by another, then another. He slapped me 7-8 times. HARD. With each slap came these wording "now get out of my house" then SLAP "never call me again." SLAP "ask your father who'll marry you now?". SLAP. I was so shocked by the whole scene and didn't know what to do. So I couldn't even fight back, and I gave up so quickly, and I sat on the bed covering my face and crying. I knew in my head that this was not right. It was utterly disgusting and wrong. He didn't stop. He started pushing me from the bed and making me fall. I sat up again, and he forced me to drop, AGAIN. I didn't realize it then, but the next day I had bruises all over my arms. Then I didn't know what to do. I started screaming, and his parents came to knock at the door, and then he closed my mouth and slapped me again. The incident broke me, but I was still in his house and hadn't left him because I continued to love him.

The next day again he apologized for his behavior saying sorry and had planned to take me to Japan for a trip. I agreed. I started to give up on him, and he returned to the hotel room at 4 am all drunk and smelling of alcohol. I told him that I needed to sleep and didn't want to be disturbed. The next day again I was trying to talk to him about his, and he would reply saying "I don't want to talk about it. Please don't lecture me all the time! Let me live, stop it I don't want to hear anything". So I kept my mouth shut.

Months later our quarrels increased as his mother would interfere too much into our lives. And we fought regarding work as he had a shop which my father had helped him by giving him all contacts and taught him how to manage. His mother wanted his younger brother to be a part of his work by excluding me and shoving me out. I knew their plan, and I fought hard saying " I never knew you could be so wicked with me." And then he snatched my collar, so I snatched back saying "Don't you dare!" and he then pushed me to the bed, came on top of me. All my hair was covering my face, and he CHOKED me. I remember not breathing for a while, and I thought he would leave me soon. I was fighting back my pushing him with my legs. When I sat right up instantly, he again twisted my arms and slapped my face once. My hand started bleeding. I left his place that night.

I went to my parents' house for two months. My head was clear, and I had thought that this man might change. I wanted to give my marriage a second chance and also the man that I married. So I went back to him. For about two months everything was just ok. Then we went for a trip in a different country, and I took all my money (did not ask him for money) and then we started having financial issues because his mother, my mother in law had given me 100 dollars to spend for an event. It's an event in which mother in law and daughter in law share gifts. He took that money from me. And would not give it back. I asked him because I felt that it was my right to and he would say "I pay for you as well. I have a lot of payments to make not like you who keeps her money in the bank" "You're so greedy for money" "I spend for you. You ask me 1 dollar 2 dollars for water". And we fought. So he went to speak to my mom about things, and my mother is the type not to take things as she is strong, so she told him what he was doing. Ever since that time, he started misbehaving with my mom as well.

This one night at a party he got drunk again till 4 am. That night he pushed his SISTER, stood on top of her and stomped her chest. He broke his younger brothers nose. That day I thought to myself what mess have I found myself? My husband goes around hitting people, hitting his loved ones and who I am? His mother took him to a psychiatrist, and she said he has bipolar disorder. It's a hyper-manic disorder in which a person gets out of control due to aggression. If alcohol aids the disease, it gets worse. He was on medication for about two months now, and I thought now my married life would be reasonable. He wouldn't get aggressive either and yell at me all the time.

But I was wrong. My husband started ignoring my parents and family and would never come to family occasions till people started noticing, and I would say "I don't know, he's at his place." It got very awkward for me. Until I decided to play the same games with him, so he realizes how he makes me feel. He had invited me over to his cousin sisters place for dinner, and I denied for the same reason that he STOPPED visiting my parents' place. Why should I make an effort for his cousin? Soon another cousin was admitted to the hospital as she was pregnant and was sick. So I said "I don't want to visit her today I'll visit her after she delivers. I don't want to go again and again". I said those words because that would always come from him "I don't want to go to your parents' house often. I'm only going for 1 hour not more than that". So I said, "I too want to go for 1 hour only". And he got annoyed and me and started saying "Don't talk to me like that I don't like it. Don't pressurize me". I'm like "well, you do that to me ALL the time!" and then it led to an argument.

In the car while arguing I tried to explain to him to change his attitude towards things. When I treat him the same way he reacts, then it's a problem. And I said all I'm asking is for you to be kind to my parents the same way you'd want me to respect his parents. And he goes "Is that what your parents taught you? Is that the way they've raised you?". I lost my temper, and I too started yelling "how dare you to say that to me? I'm going to talk to your parents now!" And he yelled back saying "Get out of the car right now. Are you getting down or no? I said no, I'm not." And he goes "Alright. Won't you get down? I'll take you somewhere then!" I'm like "where?". He was going to drop me at my parents home. He wanted to show to my parents that he has come to dump their daughter and now they should keep her here. I got in the middle of the street, took a taxi and went back to his place. I spoke to his parents. But it was of no use as they couldn't do anything.

After about two days again we argued and fought regarding finances. I stopped taking money from my husband, as he would always say "I gave you $ to spend. I bought you this. I did this favor for you". So I had to go shopping with my friends, and my atm card was on the 3rd floor, and we were lazy to get it. So he told me to borrow money from his mom and return it later. So she gave me 1000 baht. (with 1000 we can hardly buy 1-2 shirts). So I said no I'll my card since I'm not depending on him and using my money why should I limit myself to just 1000? So I told him that, and he started screaming at me and saying "have I ever stopped you??! go get your atm and do what you want". I got mad again because he's always screaming and shouting at me. I told him to not scream at me all the time because I'm not going to take his shit anymore. I don't take money from you so stop dominating me. He's like yeah good you don't take money from me. I'm like yes because you're such a miser. And he's like "I'm a miser? Are you calling me a miser? I'll show you now what a miser means. You live in the 21st century yes? From today you take responsibility for yourself and let me take mine. Don't come and tell me I want this I want that" I'm like "Did I ever ask you that? To get me this get me that? And since I'm not financially dependent on you.. how will you dominate me today? You can't because you've got nothing to say!" And he kept quiet.

As we went down on the 1st floor again, he was talking to his mom (like always). I wanted to go straight to my mothers home, and I usually take his car. So I thought to ask his "permission" once. I asked, "Can I take your car?" He said no! I'm like I'm asking you for the last time "Can I take your car?" He's like you heard me loud and clear I said NO YOU CAN'T!". And that was when I decided this is it. I don't want to be in this abusive relationship anymore. And I walked out.