I can't sleep. You would think by now after all this time things would be different. More holes, broken televisions, and a knot on the back of my head as usual. It has been so many times I wanted to just go out and by a gun and shoot him.
He knows I'm defenseless. I have gotten so used to just putting my head down and letting him beat me. I can't even find a way to look up and try to fight back. It's like a reaction. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone who would understand, but I'm so afraid that someone will say you don't deserve that, why are you still there, you know it isn’t goanna stop, and me sit there and not give them an answer. It’s crazy I have stayed in the kind of relationship that I said I would never settle for, but I'm one of them weak insecure girls who carry cause that's the only thing in her life she can control. I've prayed time and time again that God fixes this, but I guess this is something he's not going to help me with.
I've have followed my heart for years and never followed my mind. This time around it seems to have had been different. Things were changing and looking up, but now only 7 months in its back in full effect. I've been hit twice this month alone and I know at this rate it won't stop. I feel cornered, and at the sight of a raised hand I feel my knees buckle and my hands shake. "Here we go" is what my mind comes up with when I see him come my way with his fist balled and yet again I put my head down and run away till I hear his footsteps. And I can hear every step when it's coming my way. It's like I'm in a silent room and each creek of a wood floor is letting me know to run. Sometimes it happens so slow that it allows me time to say "fight" "just fight back" but I shutdown I can't hurt takes over and raged just continues to have a back seat.
4 1/2 years I say to think that it's only been five and I've stayed. I never even brought up the short-term memory loss or how my CT scan my doctor thought I was a running back or the fact I have early onset short term memory loss. Things like this is stuff that I would never tell him. Why give him a reason to pity me. Like that's going to matter anyways. Some many times I've called 911 on my head and dialed it on the phone and never hit send. Why would I do that to him he would lose it all I say he has no one I say every single time I spare him. But when he raises his hand to me he doesn't even know me anymore. I've called 911 once he went they asked me to pressed charges because if I didn't it was going to happen again and it did. Again, again and again. I guess I'm not allowed to be tired of getting beaten into migraines to where I can't sleep. I'm always considering what could happen to him even while I'm taking hit after hit.
Is not being a statistic worth more than not being there to watch your child grow?