Another Day

by Keisha
(Detroit, Mi)

I can't sleep. You would think by now after all this time things would be different. More holes, broken televisions, and a knot on the back of my head as usual. It has been so many times I wanted to just go out and by a gun and shoot him.

He knows I'm defenseless. I have gotten so used to just putting my head down and letting him beat me. I can't even find a way to look up and try to fight back. It's like a reaction. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone who would understand, but I'm so afraid that someone will say you don't deserve that, why are you still there, you know it isn’t goanna stop, and me sit there and not give them an answer. It’s crazy I have stayed in the kind of relationship that I said I would never settle for, but I'm one of them weak insecure girls who carry cause that's the only thing in her life she can control. I've prayed time and time again that God fixes this, but I guess this is something he's not going to help me with.

I've have followed my heart for years and never followed my mind. This time around it seems to have had been different. Things were changing and looking up, but now only 7 months in its back in full effect. I've been hit twice this month alone and I know at this rate it won't stop. I feel cornered, and at the sight of a raised hand I feel my knees buckle and my hands shake. "Here we go" is what my mind comes up with when I see him come my way with his fist balled and yet again I put my head down and run away till I hear his footsteps. And I can hear every step when it's coming my way. It's like I'm in a silent room and each creek of a wood floor is letting me know to run. Sometimes it happens so slow that it allows me time to say "fight" "just fight back" but I shutdown I can't hurt takes over and raged just continues to have a back seat.

4 1/2 years I say to think that it's only been five and I've stayed. I never even brought up the short-term memory loss or how my CT scan my doctor thought I was a running back or the fact I have early onset short term memory loss. Things like this is stuff that I would never tell him. Why give him a reason to pity me. Like that's going to matter anyways. Some many times I've called 911 on my head and dialed it on the phone and never hit send. Why would I do that to him he would lose it all I say he has no one I say every single time I spare him. But when he raises his hand to me he doesn't even know me anymore. I've called 911 once he went they asked me to pressed charges because if I didn't it was going to happen again and it did. Again, again and again. I guess I'm not allowed to be tired of getting beaten into migraines to where I can't sleep. I'm always considering what could happen to him even while I'm taking hit after hit.

Is not being a statistic worth more than not being there to watch your child grow?

Comments for Another Day

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by: Anonymous

I ready your story and at one time I felt helpless too. I didn't know what to do with such a possessive, abusive man. I tried to justify the things he had been through were causing it. His upbringing, job situations, letdowns, setbacks. But then I was there to help him to cope with those things. There came a time he went too far and tried to take me off and kill me and I knew that was the final straw. I went to a pawn shop to purchase a gun( never shot a gun before) and with no one in the pawnshop it should have easy to get it and go. But the bearded large owner said "I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to sell you that gun" Then asked" If I believed in God?" and "If I had kids"? And I said I didn't want to talk about any of that at that moment. It was a pearl handle 22 and the cost was $50. So I offered to go get more money, but he said no. He saw something in my face and I was crying just a little. But he wasn't the one behind that decision not to sell me that gun. What should he care as long as he made a sell. But again he was not the one behind that decision. But it was our Loving Heavenly Father Jehovah who kept me from getting that gun that day in the summer of 1982. Who I later came to know that same year.Having no religious affiliation or being a person of faith.

But I bluffed him when he called me after I got home and said I bought a gun. And I told him I was going to blow his brains out, and why don't he come back to my mother's apartment. And he said I'm not coming back there, you're crazy, I always knew you were crazy. He hung up, and I started to pray to the very God I came to know as Jehovah.( Psalms 83:18) In most King James Bible.

Freedom to live my life and not live in fear is a very empowering feeling. Something you will one day feel and just like Tina Turner in "What's Love Got to do with it" you will feel a strength you have never known, and you will finally once and for all put that man in his place! But until you let him know you're not afraid, he will continue to do what he's done for many days, robbing you of your joy. And you're the only one who can stop it. You have given him power and control over your very existence. Does he have the right? Absolutely not!!! But he knows you won't do anything about it. So he continues it. Now unless you have already knocked out both his kneecaps at this comment where you've gained your power and control back. Then 2018 will be the same as this year and 2016, 2015, 2014! You get the picture. You have to make him know that the power to choose is yours and yours along!

His miserable existence is now your miserable existence. The fact you made the decision to post your story is showing power. So if you have to go Incredible Hulk on him, then see green!

Much peace to you and all those who are in that place that is no longer one of peace, you may have to cross to the "dark side" in order to obtain your freedom to walk the path that is rightfully yours to choose.

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