Caught in a web of lies, disguise and mesmerize (II)

by Wanda Keller
(Dallas, TX)

Short Story II.

The longer I stayed with my abuser, the more zombie I became. The man I loved was sucking the life right out of me psychologically and physically. Like a spider watching while its prey becomes hopelessly ensnared before creeping delicately down and wrapping me even tighter, filling me with a false sense of hope, safety, and security. Him telling me it was because he loved me and wanted to keep me safe.

My abusive husband had become a venomous spider to me. With each personal verbal attack on me, I felt his fangs penetrate my mind injecting his poisons. With each physical and sexual assault, he planted his teeth into my body injecting his toxins infecting me. With each bite of abuse, he destroyed me with more contaminants. You see when a poisonous spider bites you; it slowly builds up infection under the skin. It is red, swollen and very tender to the touch. If left untreated, it may work its way into your bloodstream and circulate throughout your body possibly becoming fatal. Unknown to me these toxins continued to fester and grow in my mind, body, and soul for 17 years after the relationship ended; eventually taking over my entire being. (PTSD.)

For those years I continued the life I had known: to numb, block, minimize, lie and deny my past. I was Afraid, Ashamed and Embarrassed! I just wanted to forget it ever happened! It was humiliating all that he did to me; how could people talk about that stuff? I thought what good was it to dwell on the past. It’s over, and I cannot change it.

I spent years piling dirt on top of those horrid memories packing it tightly. However; no matter what I did, what I tried or how busy I kept myself, the nightmares continued; haunting me and controlling me year after year. Then finally, I concluded that it was impossible for me to live my life without first completing “The-unfinished-business” of my past. First, I had to Admit that the abuse happened and that it was as bad as it was. No more lying to myself. You can’t confront something that doesn’t exist. Second, I had to Confront my past, before I could conquer it. Third, I had to Conquer the secrets that I had held inside of me for so many years.

With the right counseling, I’ve learned that:
  • You can’t Conquer what you won’t Confront.

  • You can’t Confront what you won’t Identify.

  • You can’t Identify what you won’t Acknowledge.

  • You can’t Acknowledge what you Don’t know.

So I now knew that I had to purge these pollutants out of me once and for all. For as long as there remained any pus in the wounds, the infections continued to grow. I had to prick the infection to allow the pus to start exiting. Putting my words and experiences on paper, has been like pricking the wound releasing the toxins freeing me from them. Writing has been my saving grace, very cathartic.

I’ve also learned that I must face the fears of my past so that my history can become my past and no longer, ‘Rule’ my Present! My past does not define me, but it came close to destroying me.

Please know what I didn’t comprehend. Recognize the circle of violence. Don’t be charmed be alarmed.

I’ve learned to find therapeutic ways to systematically reject the poisons I internalized for years. You can expel the toxins of domestic violence too!

Thank you for your time. If I can be of more help, let me know.

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