It all started when we met for the first time, I flew over to see him and felt like the luckiest girl ever. He was sweet, chivalrous and a gentleman. I should have known the positive view would be short-lived. We got engaged and had a big engagement party. Again, his family had us fly over to see them. I never complained just kept agreeing with whatever plans they made. Even our wedding was where he and his family wanted it to be. Apparently, because his family was bigger than ours, fundamentally means you sacrifice for me.
I sacrificed my family, my friends, myself, my body, and my education. I left it all to find “happiness” with him. We finally moved in, and I thought yay I’m married and will have a great future. The hitting began a month after our wedding after I kept telling his parents “…I believe he is going to start hitting me…”. I moved in with him and his family and left my loving and super supportive parents behind in another province. They were so far, and I was so alone. I had no one, somehow, he had manipulated me into losing all my friends as well. I never thought that was possible. How can a person, who comes into your life all of a sudden be the reason behind you not having any friends? Or even causing fights between your family members. I was lucky though, and I had my parents and my brothers who never gave up on me.
I remember many times he humiliated me in public, how he hurt me with his words. If they could burn as scars in my skin, my skin would be a camouflage of hurt, humiliation, pain, and heartbreak. My parents knew, and from the get-go, my mom said get out, he is not going to stop. From what I know for sure he is a big-time alcoholic, and from what I've heard he is on some serious drugs. He acted like he was going to give it up, and I believed him. He even went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and sat and cried there like he was becoming enlightened. It was all an act; I have never met someone who can drop tears, or be as charming in two seconds. Yes, he was a big-time manipulator, liar, and made sure that he would tell whatever lies possible to get whatever he wanted. But where did that leave me? It left me as his pawn, and I was the girl who was always helping him and never did I have emotional or financial support.
Sitting here and writing this is not easy for me. It took a while for me to sit down and do this finally. It has been four months. After four months I feel mentally stronger. I know that my abuser's words were a lie. I am beautiful, intelligent, and super strong, and so loved. And I refuse to believe any of the garbage that his contorted mind outputs. I think the hardest part of dealing with all of this is how it changes you. How all of a sudden I want to dress nice and remember how dressing nice is a way I attract other men. So I suddenly change my clothes. I lost that confidence that I once had. I keep behaving the same way even though I am out of the situation. And today I broke that, I dressed up the way I wanted and held my head with pride. I am going to treat myself to some new clothes, and new makeup. I do not deserve to be taunted. No man should make you change the way you present yourself because he has low self-esteem.
I know it is going to take me time, but little by little I will get there, and I will keep coming back here whenever my mind needs a little bit of de-cluttering. For those of you who are getting out, remember that the hardest step is getting out. I never imagined how hard it would be to leave, but I did, and I will never regret that decision.