Getting out

by C. McKenzie
(Sacramento, Ca)

It's looking for his car in the driveway the second you turn the corner.
It's feeling a tightness in your gut when you hear the garage door, gate, front door open.
It's being quiet to see what will come out of his mouth before you share anything you are feeling.
Certainly not joy.
It's texting instead of talking on the phone so you aren't bombarded with questions of who you were talking to, what were you talking about, why did you talk that long, etc.
It's a constant suspicion of what you are doing.
It's never doing anything right.
It's him constantly changing the schedule so you can't make plans.
It's deflecting cruel comments.
It's seeing your children being made fun of, belittled.
It's the worry that he will go crazy again; that he will lose it in front of the kids.
It's knowing that once you speak your mind his anger is unleashed.
It's being frozen in time.
It's being completely discounted and disrespected.
It's being neglected and lied to, over and over again.
It's being kept captive/ held hostage in your own life.
It's a feeling of futility and helplessness and his repetitive attempts to make you dependent.
It's a constant denial of his actions and his useless statements of "I'm trying".
It eats you away from the inside out till all that's left is a hallow shell.
It's thoughts of, "it would be better to be dead cause I can never really escape this."

Then the awakening occurs.

The realization I don't have to live like this. It hits and life feels different, a new vision is instilled. But, the reality of getting out and providing for oneself and understanding the legalities hit like a wave. As all ones energy is expended on daily survival, there is nothing left to fight the fight.
It is all about the kids and maintaining the job.
It's overwhelming and he zaps your energy from living this chaotic life.
It's continually one step forward two back.
It's getting controlled by the lack of fianances.
It's not wanting to ask for help or accept help, or feeling like a fool.
It's pretending it is okay, as you lose every bit of yourself.
It takes getting pissed, it takes some crazy, it takes some asking for help.
It takes some money, it takes some supportive people.
It takes guts and brawn.
It takes a fight for your lives.
It's entering the ring over and over again, even when just about knocked out.
It takes one person who totally understands.
It takes perseverance.
It takes an inner flame he can't blow out. You won't allow it.
It takes longing for peace. Longing to feel loved. Longing for safety. Longing to just be treated nice.
It takes wanting to feel loved before you die.

Comments for Getting out

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One small step
by: Anonymous

There is something in you that helped you survive all this time. You were a child it was not your fault, you were helpless and just doing all you could. We all do the best we can. Mine was 18 years till getting out. There are woman's shelters that provide housing, counseling and free attorneys. It often takes several times to break free. If you can get therapy try and get someone that does EMDR, to deal with all the trauma. It works. You only have one lifetime and if 39 you still have 39 years ahead of you to be free. We will pray for you as you get the strength to take one small step.

The story of my life
by: Anonymous

These words hit me like bullets. I can't lie, I'm a nester...the warning signs were popping up everywhere. Now 11 years in and I am paralyzed with fear, no job, no friends, no dreams, blurred vision, chronic migraine headaches, panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts, an overall sense of hopelessness.... you name it!!! Out of the fryer and into the fire is a gross understatement. I was already damaged goods...foster care literally was the beginning of my sexual, physical, and emotional abuse...LITERALLY. Then came my "highschool sweetheart". Nine years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. The only two people who gave me a reason to live (my beautiful children) were taken by default. There...yes, I lost my only reason to live. When I finally had a nervous breakdown and tried to get help transitioning...the Goliath in my life still Ieft his footprint on my neck for LIFE: (
I used to believe that I had the strength to fight for them, but the idea of facing the fact that I was out numbered (him and his family), broken, no support or money for an attorney.... I wasn't going to win. Even years later and I still have nightmares. Well flash forward 11years. The second Goliath snuck in (the fire starter). This time, no kids (at least I made sure that I was never going to be a baby machine ever again). 39 years of life ( if you can call it that) and 80% of it has been baptized in abuse by some man (only two in 20 years).

I only hope that someone reading my entry will NOT ignore the warnings, but unlike me, get REAL HELP.... As for me...I'm all prayed out, I have tried to leave ( more than three times ),and just can't see ANY SIGN of light at the end of the tunnel. May all of you who shared your story of pain be blessed. I wish you all Peace and REAL LOVE:)

This is Exactly It
by: Anonymous

Congratulations to you for starting to pull through. You will always have my support.

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