by C. McKenzie
It's looking for his car in the driveway the second you turn the corner.
It's feeling a tightness in your gut when you hear the garage door, gate, front door open.
It's being quiet to see what will come out of his mouth before you share anything you are feeling.
Certainly not joy.
It's texting instead of talking on the phone so you aren't bombarded with questions of who you were talking to, what were you talking about, why did you talk that long, etc.
It's a constant suspicion of what you are doing.
It's never doing anything right.
It's him constantly changing the schedule so you can't make plans.
It's deflecting cruel comments.
It's seeing your children being made fun of, belittled.
It's the worry that he will go crazy again; that he will lose it in front of the kids.
It's knowing that once you speak your mind his anger is unleashed.
It's being frozen in time.
It's being completely discounted and disrespected.
It's being neglected and lied to, over and over again.
It's being kept captive/ held hostage in your own life.
It's a feeling of futility and helplessness and his repetitive attempts to make you dependent.
It's a constant denial of his actions and his useless statements of "I'm trying".
It eats you away from the inside out till all that's left is a hallow shell.
It's thoughts of, "it would be better to be dead cause I can never really escape this."
Then the awakening occurs.
The realization I don't have to live like this. It hits and life feels different, a new vision is instilled. But, the reality of getting out and providing for oneself and understanding the legalities hit like a wave. As all ones energy is expended on daily survival, there is nothing left to fight the fight.
It is all about the kids and maintaining the job.
It's overwhelming and he zaps your energy from living this chaotic life.
It's continually one step forward two back.
It's getting controlled by the lack of fianances.
It's not wanting to ask for help or accept help, or feeling like a fool.
It's pretending it is okay, as you lose every bit of yourself.
It takes getting pissed, it takes some crazy, it takes some asking for help.
It takes some money, it takes some supportive people.
It takes guts and brawn.
It takes a fight for your lives.
It's entering the ring over and over again, even when just about knocked out.
It takes one person who totally understands.
It takes perseverance.
It takes an inner flame he can't blow out. You won't allow it.
It takes longing for peace. Longing to feel loved. Longing for safety. Longing to just be treated nice.
It takes wanting to feel loved before you die.