by Anttoni Lopez
(Bronx , New York )
The flashes of lighting in the sky, the sound of thunder in my ears, the cold air that entered the window and hit my body as I laid there motionless on the floor only made me realize I wasn't dead. My eyes could barely open from you punching them in like you were trying to bust the window open. I could taste the blood in my mouth from the busted lip and nose you gave me. The pain I was in made it painful to even cry. I couldn't breathe my chest felt caved in after you kicked in my lungs. My ribs broken so I couldn't move. How did I end up here? where did we go wrong?
Locked up, chained down to this rock, black hole no air, can't see what is good for me. A shadow that stands in front of me, but there is no body just dark. A heart that has been ripped out more then once. Scared to try again, scared to give again what to do when the feeling is making you feel born again? Butterflies turn into doubt because of the coldness in my blood. Frozen rivers bring chills to my icy heart. A past of hurt unsure if I could love once more. I push away with hope of no one ever wanting to stay. Push away good so that bad can live here instead. Tucked away in a bed full of needles. Sleeping on top where I'm use to the pain. Tears run down my cold face and freeze half way down my solid cheek. Years of walking this blizzard trying to find this light, but all I could see was nothing but white.
Every time I told you I loved you was a lie. Love isn't something that is breakable. A bond like no other. 16 to 26 all lies. I loved you was what they said, but where are they now? Single and broken is where I am how? Hard to trust words that are spoken because all I hear are lies. A flame that has been burnt out like a candle that has been left to melt over night. Screaming, yelling was how we spoke. Communication was non existent. Hitting, punching was how we loved each other. Bruised by the memories that we shared. The kiss of pain was what I felt when I touched your lips. Looking into your eyes I couldn't see hope, because all I saw was me being chocked.
Every time you told me you loved me it was a lie. Screaming why did I even try? I gave myself fully to you only to be beaten every time you cheated. My body had become your painting. All the hand prints and dents you left on my skin was you're doing. Walking around like it was all ok when deep down inside I was yelling Toni don't stay. Walk away how? Scared to be alone. Couldn't even love myself. Looking in the mirror couldn't even see myself. Had to put on makeup and walk outside looking caked up. All because I couldn't deal with a bad breakup. All I could see was your hands coming towards me. Felt like a wall and all you wanted to do was punch it in. Had to hide behind black shades because of the marks around my eyes. Walking around sad because it hurt so bad to cry.
Listening to "Down on love" by Kelly Rowland was a reality for me. I was so tired that all I did was settle. Never knew my worth so I became second fiddle. Why me? why me? When will this be over? I kept screaming to god. It was like I was in the same game on repeat. I couldn't win. Hard to take showers because of all the scars on my skin. When will this be over.? I always felt like shit and you made sure of that. Calling me ugly and making me feel like I wasn't worth anything on this earth, but yet I stayed all because I didn't know my self-worth. Blinded by lust I couldn't see clear. Lied to my family and friends out of fear. I needed to get out, but how? So I got on my knees and prayed to GOD. I didn't ask him to save me. I didn't ask him for help. I asked him to take control of my life and guide me.
He opened my heart and opened my eyes. I started to see clear. The love I was in was a lie! Had to break free from this cage. Packed up my bags and had to walk away. It was life or death for me. I wanted to live, I had to live so I couldn't stay. No money, no car, no job, no home. Had to run and not look back before he found me and took me to his home. God told me to walk with him and I did. He took me to place where I was safe. There he told me cry and shout give me your pain and let it all out. I won't judge you, don't be afraid. Give me your hand and your heart and I will show you real love that will never part. Give me your suffering and I will hold you right. Follow me and I will show you the light. Never again will you have to love a lie.!
I found my light and was able to walk away alive and able to grow and finally love. I was able to find love in myself and that is the best love you could ever have. No more fighting because my book is written. Never lose your faith and know he is there. God knows what is doing. He wouldn't put things in your life that you can't handle. Follow him and he will guide you like he did me. I never thought I would live to see the day I would be a business man and growing in a career I love so much. I leave you with this don't ever feel like there is no way out. There is light at the end and I'm glad I was able to share my story with you.
The author shares the following links for your consideration: Follow my Instagram @Anttoni_lopez; Follow my twitter @Anttonilopez; Follow my Facebook Anttoni Lopez; www.natonicosmetics.com.