It's Too Hard to Admit. I Can't Go Anywhere.
I close my eyes at night and wonder what tomorrow will bring. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly as I drift off to sleep. I tell myself that I have to remain positive, or I will crumble.
I feel crazy.
My heart sinks. I've been told to leave. I don't want to. I can't. Where would I go? What would I do? He is my support. My rock. My everything......
He would never hit me. He would never cross that line. He has threatened. I went to hug him. Apparently I was in his space. He told me to get away or he'd punch me in the face. He also has pretended. A slow motion, closed fist, to my face........ he taps my face....... "I bet you're going to go tell everyone I punched you now" he laughs.
I don't take into account his feelings. He feels unsupported. Unappreciated. I am not a wife. I am there. This is his house. My name isn't on the papers at all. What am I doing. Why do I stay. I love him.
I take a deep breath. I go on with my days. Things are good for a while. Then it changes.
I am stupid. I make no sense. Why would you even say that for. This isn't working. I didn't sign up for this. We should get a divorce. You need to get a slimming dress. You're a bitch. You're not allowed to work. You're not allowed to go to school. Why are you doing homework. You're smarter than you look... you can be smart only for a short amount of time. Pay attention to me. You need to do laundry. You need to do the dishes. I do everything around the house. Where is my f***ing shirt. The laundry gets dumped on me. He tosses the clothes towards my head. I f***ing hate you. Stop psycho-analyzing me. You're not allowed to do that. What do you think you're doing. Don't ever hang things on the walls of my house again. I am in this marriage alone. I want kids... don't you. I want to have sex. You have to have sex with me, you're my wife. Get off your phone. You're f***ing useless. Who are you talking to. Give me your passwords. You're making me out to be an ass.
I take a deep breath. I continue my routines. Things get better. Things get worse. Things get bad. He hasn't touched me. They get better again...... I am nervous. It will change. I just don't know when.
I never thought too much into what he said. I lost my friends. I was told I wasn't allowed to major in certain things because I'd be making too much money. I had to go to the same school he did. I moved 1000 miles away from everything I knew. I then moved halfway across the country with him. We can't go back to see family. He doesn't want to. He hates my friends. He makes fun of my family.
Nobody else sees it.
I am crazy.
"You must have done something for me to say those things"
Maybe I did. I don't know. It's all my fault.
I am crazy.
I am emotionally drained.
I want to cry.
Pretend it doesn't exist.
It's easier that way.....
I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I hope for the best. A day with one mean thing said is a better day than a day with two mean things said.
I love him. Things will get better. They have to. I can make this work.