So when my boyfriend and I sometimes argue he mentally bullies me in the arguments ..like such as saying I'm a bitch, a c**nt, he hates me, etc. And every time he says he's sorry he said it cause it was in an argument. Half the time it's over petty shit or me not even trying to argue. And I just explain to him what he's done to upset me, but he sees it as an attack on him n then it turns into a fight which I always back down from because even in arguments he scares me with the way he speaks to me and reacts.
So the other day we end up arguing over nothing in particular, but he yet again calls me all the names under the sun. By this point I'm fed up with the mental abuse, so yes I throw water in his face. Maybe I shouldn't have, but after so long of him saying bad shit to me that I did not deserve it was enough so yeh he gets mad chases me into a corridor, pins me to the wall, grabs hold of my collarbone n shakes me while still gripping onto me. For the first time, he's physically violent with me. Terrified, I ran to my mate's house and told her what happened.
Anyway, when I finally got the courage to go back, he didn't believe he had hurt me. He knew what he did he. He just thought I was lying about it hurting me, so I told him how scared I was n the fact I had to hide out at a friends house because I was afraid. He also said in the moment of that happening in the corridor he wanted to hit me. It crossed his mind for a second, and he had to restrain himself. He says he is never going to forgive himself for what he's done. I love him, so I am trying to forgive him, but it's hard, and I still have it in my head what happened. I still feel uneasy around him, and I don't know if I can ever fully forget what happened or trust him. My dad was also abusive to my mum, and I always said I would walk away if a man did what he did to my mum ..but it's not that easy.
Whats your advice?