by Lauren
(U.K. )

Where shall I start?

My story started ages ago, well about 16 years ago. I am now eight years free of any abuse and while I feel this is a personal achievement, what happened to me I think has impacted on my life every day since and it will probably affect me for the rest of my life. I don't want to be dramatic but I was young when it started, barely 17, and for nine years I stuck by a man/boy who made me believe that everything that happened to me was my fault.

I don't want to think about it. I certainly don't consider now that it was my fault, but there is ever so often when I'm out with friends that it just comes out. I hope not in a bad way but in a way that when they say they have experienced a shit boyfriend, quite frankly he sounds like a dream in compliance. I don't expect sympathy; I often don't know for myself what I want. I know that I don't want people to feel awkward around me and if I mention something, I often think I've ruined the night. I try to not upset myself about it or think about the past, things happened, and for a long time my self-worth was absolutely nothing, I was just trying to get by without causing a drama while making a personal decision that everything was fine.

Six years have passed, and most of the time I feel fine, but ever so often something will trigger my uneasy at a situation. I do not want to go into much detail about what happened to me, everyone has their own story but I just want to learn how to cope with it. On a scale of one to ten, eight would say I'm a seven, but every so often it catches me. I am no longer in contact with my ex-boyfriend, and, as much as I feel the abuse is over with, I just can't fully let go, but I hope too.

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Oct 31, 2019
by: Anonymous

Hello Lauren,

Triggers are a normal reaction to abuse (for a time) but you do have the ability to remove them. I had triggers for almost 10 years! Often just one trigger would make me cry or shake from fear. It would come by a certain noise, a phrase used by the abuser, or something that reminded me that I was not safe. Triggers come from fear.

I was stalked for years and years after leaving my abuser! Actually to this day he is still sniffing around in the background (He was not prosecuted for his crimes) but he doesn't dare come out of the shadows. Why? Because I have changed greatly. I am no longer a victim of his. I do not fear any longer and I don't fear him! Fear causes many triggers to come about and stops the healing process.

If you are a person who loves deeply and thinks more deeply, (as I do) you may still be attempting to 'process' things of your abuse and/or abuser. In actuality though, others abuse inflicted on us can never be processed by a logical, sane mind. I also realized throughout the years that by continually bringing these thoughts (things that I could never process) to my consciousness (unnecessarily) and speaking of them again (after healing) strangely brought about triggers to pop up again. It was a great spiritual epiphany for me!

I asked God to renew my mind and remove any and all remnants that had no ownership inside my mind. I was conscientious of what I allowed inside my thoughts. I quickly took captive every bad thought and memory that would pop up, and I began to cast it out immediately. I wouldn't even try to process or entertain the thoughts any longer. I was diligent in doing this. My mind became conditioned to this new way of dealing with garbage and the triggers disappeared completely.

At this period in time, I don't cry, shake, trigger, or even fear over my abuser any longer. I have become quite a warrior--much more then a survivor. I see all things through very different eyes now. What the devil tried to do to destroy me and my life, God has taken it all and turned it into a wonderful masterpiece of His work! I would never have believed back then that I would have been brought through such a raging fire, only to come out alive and unscathed! There is hope for you and others too!

(((BIG HUGS to you)))

JG Hemlock

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