My story is too long to write in a few paragraphs, too long to write in a book. Although I still carry so much hate and anger to the man that hurt my boys and me for years, I am safe. I am alive. Here is just a small piece of the long story I fell victim to caused by my abuser:
I come from a loving Midwestern family. I went away to explore in my mid 20's and moved many states from my roots. After only a few weeks living in the new place, I met the prince charming, tall, dark, and handsome man I always dreamed. Or, so I thought. I found him filled with lies, deceit, manipulations, triggers, violence, red flags. He was and is an evil man.
He led me down the path of control. I obeyed him. Why wouldn't I? I believed every word out of his smooth talking manipulative mouth. He fed me so many false stories, so many lies, that this man was indeed it, my soul mate.
The physical abuse started after our first son was born. He continued the physical abuse all the way through the almost five-year marriage. The last incident led me to a scar on my face. A remembrance of the hell I went through. An injury that I see every day. That climactic incident was the push to leave. I felt more fear to stay than to leave, the dread he would kill my kids, and I was there, so I went. I drove to the courthouse and filed the order.
Looking back through our relationship, tons of red flags were present. The man couldn't tell the truth to save his life. He was a convicted felon, spending years in prison for child abuse - yet no one informed me about this during our relationship. He stole money from a bank, and the court convicted him of bank fraud- yet no one reported this to me during our relationship. He had a child, a son living in a different state that the state took from him - yet no one told me of this during our relationship. He was a complete narcissist, a complete sociopath. All of the lies came out after a private investigator I hired found this life of my then husband. I married a monster. I was married to someone who I have no idea who he was.
So many things triggered him. Bad drivers, crying babies, me not obeying him, me not sleeping with him on command, the kids not eating. He broke things, punched holes in walls, threw things, spanked my babies. He verbally assaulted me almost daily as his intense need to control me was the cause to my mind thinking I have to obey him or he will kill me.
Life on the outside looked great. We were a beautiful family, with the white picket fence. Inside, it was hell. I fell out of love with him the day he laid hands on me, that first time with my first son. I have always had a dark cloud over my head knowing there was no way out. We had a baby. I had no family near me. I had no friends, nowhere to go.
I wanted another baby so much that I forced myself to stay. I honestly felt what most victims felt: Maybe it will get better.
It didn't. My husband's abuse of me got worse than before. The misconduct fell onto my babies, and I couldn't help them. I was too scared. He plowed my three-year-old into the ground with so much force; God had to have been there to protect him from injuries. He was a small three years old, dainty, and I tear up remembering the look on that boys face after that man hurt him. My son is five now and talks about that day how scared my child was of his dad. I want him to forget that day, but I know he won't. He knows his dad is evil but loves him anyway because I taught him to love others and some people do bad things and make bad choices, his dad is one of those people. I will leave that at that. When they get older, they can make their own decisions how they feel about their abusive father.
Which brings me to the escape, the court granted the restraining order for my boys and me against the abuser, their dad my then husband. We had no contact, and although it felt great, it was hard. The court and legal process were horrendous. The back and forth in the court with a sociopath is insane. The court and lawyer fees piled up and many tens of thousands later, and a year, I was denied my relocation to move back home to the state with all my family.
The Court system had failed me. I protected my sons from abuse, I defended myself from possible death, and there we were: jobless, no alimony, no home, no family no money. What was I to do? I reached as far in my heart as I could, and I climbed out of the hole that man created. My family flew down to watch my boys as I interviewed, found a job, found a condo to rent, found a church that had helped other single moms with childcare and I made it. I did it. I survived again. I endured the verbal, mental, sexual, and physical abuse from my then-husband, as did my sons. We survived the aftershock of being on the bottom of the barrel.
After months of getting paid high child support ordered by the court, the dad made an offer I couldn't refuse. He offered to let us leave the state if he could pay less child support. Hell yes, I did it. I would have done it for much less. Which brings me to the light at the end of the tunnel. My family. We are now many many miles away from that demon with my family and safe. I'm starting over once again, but I'm stronger now that before this experience. I did it. I never stopped fighting to protect those boys. You never know how much strength you have until being strong is your only option.
I know it is scary and many don't leave abusers. But trust me, LEAVE. You can do it. I did. I had nothing, but I had the love for my children to keep me getting up every morning and fighting. No one deserves to have a person lie to them and manipulate them. No one deserves to be hit, strangled, shoved, pushed, sworn at, or have someone throw things thrown at them. My abuser is not in jail, he got away with it all, along with a new girlfriend who is now his fiance. Abusive partners never change.
I never in a million years envisioned my life the way it turned out, but it was the path given to me, and I am grateful to be alive, with my boys by my side.