Slowly surviving after 30 years of abuse

by Julie A. Rice
(Phoenix, Az)

My name is Julie and I am just learning to live my life after being married to a narcissistic, physically and emotionally abusive man, for over 30 years.

This person that abused my children and myself is a medical professional who hid his abusive nature from everyone. Unfortunately he is still able to enjoy his freedom even though he was convicted of battery on myself, as charges were lowered after our family attorney had the children and myself change our stories. We were told that my abusive ex husband would get help and end the ongoing abuse if he were not incarcerated. That did not happen, in fact the abuse became more covert and EXTREMELY psychological.

I was diagnosed with Battered Women's Stress Syndrome 11 years ago, and have been unable to earn a living on my own since that time. I am living in a house in another state with my abusive ex husband's name still on title because he ruined my credit and hid his income. To date, my ex refuses to remove his name from my home in order to keep his control over myself and his disabled son. I have no more funds to fight him, as our divorce lasted three years and was only finalized in January of 2015. I am struggling to start my life over at 54 years of age and wonder if I will ever be free of my ex's abuse once and for all.

If you live in the Orange County/Los angeles area of California be aware of of hospital employees who are over eager to gain your trust, love and attention as they could be my abusive ex looking for his next victim.

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35 years abuse and 28 years imprisonment
by: Anonymous

Unlike some of you it wasn't my partner but my own father. I was conditioned from 4 years old by horrific imagery if I would go to school he would kill my mother. This was the normal routine until I turned 8 years old where he first raped me.i spent the majority of youth a countless doctors, a mental institution where I was not only abused by the staff but they allowed my father to visit unattended.

I took everything from beatings, stabbing, sledgehammer over my back and legs and I am still standing. My abuse was constant, I was isolated from the world. He died 3 years ago.

On his death bed I was given the option he could live brain damaged or if he slipped again to let him go. My father wouldn't have wanted to live his life brain damaged and lost to the world. I showed him the mercy in life he never showed me.

Do I count myself as a victim? No. I won't allow him to have that power over me.

Be been there
by: Anonymous

It’s never too late to escape the terror of violence. I lived through this for over 35?years. I have a good job and I’m confident about a lot in my life life but never edited to separate family. I’ve spokenem to my adult children and they are more supportive then I could have imagined. Also my counselor hS been a big help. I’m gonna be 60 in a few months and wNt yo start over. I know I can and I can you

To everyone who posted your life story...
by: Anonymous

I am very touched that complete stangers would call me an. inspiration as I'm hardly that but thank you.
To give a little update, I just turned 60 yrs young and I feel better than I ever can remember. Yes, my life still has it's struggles and my son and I are pretty broke, however I am learning to live on God's terms not mine or my ex's. I am still single and quite happy about it. I have finally been given a chance to learn about myself and start to heal.
God bless anyone who has survived domestic violence and narcissistic abuse. There is a much better life out there, just stay strong and know that you are so worth it, no matte what age you are.

Starting my life at 46
by: Aynot

I am just now escaping and trying to survive after 30yrs of abuse. I moved in with him in highschool and now I feel like a scared little girl starting out on her own at 16 in the body of a 46yr old woman with no clue but your story gives me hope. I pray I can be as strong as you.

It's as though you are talking about my life. I finally said enough after 30 years with a narcissistic sociopath and it's so the past he's always gotten me to come back. And the cycle of abuse just continues and gets progressively worse. I don't know how to do this I'm not sure if I'll survive it but I know if I don't find a way, I won't survive! I've manipulated,controlled,beat down and abused for 30 year.

Same boat
by: Anonymous

I too have been with him since i was 15we were married spring of 1994. Hes kept me trapped.a victim of mental and physical abuse for more than 30 years..last night he broke a bottle over my ear and choke me out..he left to one of his friends house after he abused me yet again and again. Ive had more than enough. Im staying with his aunt who is letting me stay until i find help..he will find me like he always does . i dont know what to so scared he said he would kill me if i ever left him. I live in Michigan and i need to know of any resorses to help me get away from this. I have nothing. No money . nothing..i feel like i wish he would of just killed me because im already dead inside..

Survivor thank you!
by: Anonymous

I need help. 30 yrs of abuse emotional and mental don't forget physical 26 stitches, broken ribs, jaw, and arm.I can deal w pain but not MENTAL! Quit my job from his request now I'm stuck..HE

Thank you, survivor
by: Anonymous

I've been w my husband since I was 14. I'm 48 now he's been emotionally, physically,and almost brainwashed. It's I'm sorry every day even though it happens everyday. I'm not working and he's making good money but he holds that over my head

You are so brave
by: Anonymous

I admire you for being so braveand so strong. I know I need to leave my abusive marriage of 30 years but I have nobody else in my life now as I was isolated from family friends and everybody- like you he ruined my credit yet I love him - quite how I can feel such a deep strong love for such an abusive man I do not know nor understand- I do know that I need to leave for my own sanity. God bless you and well done for being so brace and strong. I wish you a very happy future.

How i got my Ex back
by: Anonymous

if you have any issue in your relationship. contact dr.mac@yahoo. com his help is absolutely wonderful!

I too have been abused
by: Anonymous

The reading of your abusive life sounded exactly like mine. I too have been in an abusive relationship for 30 years. I finally left 6 months ago and am working on my divorce from this nightmare. I wish you the best and do believe that anything is better then staying in an unhealthy relationship. I am looking forward to a bright healthy future. Am working on making myself healthy and happy.

Survivor of Cancer, Diabetes, Emotional Abuse of 32 years.
by: Anonymous

I guess the operative word there is SURVIVOR! Yet after 4 cancers, juvenile diabetes from age 14 and 32 years at the hands of an abuser, the last has been the worst of the 3.My name is Tally, and like me Bob is a diabetic, but 12 years older. I am still alive but barely..The body keeps going but the insides don't know where to go. I do not have a career outside of the home, I DO have some writing skills and experience here and there in freelance journalism, but the focus was raising my son and rescuing animals. Bob lost his right leg 15 years ago as I was undergoing cancer treatments on another floor of the hospital. We have been robbed, he has lost several jobs as he got older.Is still working at almost 70. I dont sleep in his bed as I cannot trust him with my emotions. He can blow up at a moment's notice, degrade me,call me a "slob", disregard ANY improvements I DO make inside and only focus on the bad. He feels "only yelling" will get me to do anything, which is TOTALLY WRONG! He shooed me out of the bedroom a half hour ago, again, and I was afraid for the animals. It has been a ghastly situation for my son who is 26,He, his mom, his father and MY parents decried my efforts to adopt a sister for my son in 1994,(they made the CHIEF error, butting in to a situation that was none of their affair!All 4 are dead now).. SOme days, I wish I were too! BUT I know my boy and the animals need me, so they keep me alive and I TRY to safeguard THEM from the foulness of the husband. I DO know God Has a Plan for all of us, or Id not have been here THIS long..I could have been taken by the cancer blood sugar crises, etc but I have yet to be. HOW do I find QUALITY OF LIFE at this age? HOW do I stop wishing, some days,I WERE dead?

Thank you
by: Julie Rica

Thank you for your support. Some days are better then other's, but all of my day's are better then being with my ex. I just wish life wasn't so full people who do nit understand.

Thinking of you
by: Anonymous

I was also in an abusive relationship. I was with him for 22 years. I ended it nearly 6 years ago :). Like you, I have found it very difficult, and no-one can help or understand. But I am free now, I can choose my own actions, and speak my mind. I dont have to have my phone on silent, for fear of his actions if family phoned or text me. I can have family photos up, without being made to feel it was wrong. It is a long road ahead, and I have to battle with not becoming his voice, putting myself down and making me feel useless. But I am trying baby steps, and trying to acknowledge just how far I have come. No-one else could understand the scars left by the trauma. You are a survivor Julie :) As I am. We have shown we are better than that. Strength to anyone still in that terrible situation, you are worth so much more <3

I am so touched...
by: Julie Rice

I just have to say THANK YOU for all the encouragement. I only wish my own family was there for me and was supportive. It is still a struggle trying to figure out how I wasted so much of my life with such an abusive person. I feel like I'm an island. I spent so many years believing all the lies, all the hurtful comments constantly belittling me, all the mind games I was always battling. I pushed my family away to protect my abuser, I did a lot of self destructive behavior trying to end my life just to get away from that monster. And he took advantage of every mistake I made. I've been hospitalized for numerous suicide attempts, I have spent years and years seeing psychologists and psychiatrist, was on every single mood stabilizer and anti depressant. It wasn't until last year that I found a great therapist who specialized in domestic abuse who really helped me.Unfortunately, I had to move out of state and lost my insurance coverage due to the divorce. I have just been informed that I do now have medical coverage thru medicare but I am so overwhelmed with life that I don't even know where to begin to try and find a good therapist. I had some very bad experiences over the last 30 years with therapists who were not up to date pn the effects of long term abuse, even though I am diagnosed with Battered Women's Stress Syndrome. I have been ousted out of my family as my ex took the time to undermine everything I was saying about him and then the fact that even though I left him several times throughout the 30 year marriage, I kept going back to him up until now. In the last 12 months I finally heard from my mother who was on her death bed and I lost her just a few months later, I was in an auto accident that was minor,I then found out I had to have major spinal surgery due to probles with three of my verterbra in my neck and underwent a 5 1?2 hour surgery with no one to help me afterwards except for my disabled son. I then had to pack up the house I lived in for 23 years and move out of the area I had lived for 53 years, where my parents are buried, and do it without help from any of my family member's including my daughter from my first marriage. The only person who has stood by me is my disabled son.
I also want to say to any person out there reading this who is still living with ongoing abuse, Yes it is hard being on your own, but I am so blessed to have survived this far and go through so much, it is still a thousand times better then being in a relationship where I was made to feel worthless, stupid, ugly and totally incompetant. Obviously my ex was wrong because I'm still here and still wanting to live life.
Finally, I want to say thank you again to everyone single person who showed me kindness and understanding without even knowing me. I would one day like to help other women who are in this horrible situation. I may not be a trained therapist but I am a good listener and I think I could someday be an example of what a domestic abuse SURVIVOR looks like.

I support you.
by: Ginger

I know I'm anonymous, but dear girl, I am real and I support your decision to leave your abusive partner. After 30 years, I am sure it was difficult. You are still young, and have an entire life ahead of you to fight for. Even though it is hard and he continues to try to wreak havoc in your life, he is not winning. You are the triumphant one. Your freedom and mental and emotional well being are more valuable than anything staying with him could give you. I have a friend approaching 30 years of marriage with an abusive husband, but she will not leave. It is so difficult to watch her deny, cover-up, excuse his behavior, tell me he really doesn't mean to hit her, etc. Things are only getting worse for her. If the abuser does not think he has a problem, and narcissists don't, things tend to only spiral downward. You are strong and courageous. I am sure you are smart. I hope you can get an education or develop a skill where you can get a job and have your own money. Even if it is only a little bit, it is the best because it is all yours. I hope you continue to fight. I am sure you will find the rewards of good friendships, health, and a good life. I believe in you.

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