Stuck! I feel helpless, hopeless and have no self esteem left

by Laura

I have been with my boyfriend for five years now. From the beginning, I should have just left because these problems have been going on since then and just get worse. My boyfriend and I are two different races so, in his eyes, there are already problems.

I had just got out of one bad relationship and got right into another bad one. Till this day I don't know if it's because I felt lonely and had no standards or what.

This boyfriend of mine when we first met, he would do and say really out of the ordinary things, things that weren't just the "standard argument" whatever that is, I don't even know anymore.

I remember the first incident that was so ridiculous. My boyfriend jumped on my back, and he tackled me to the floor all so he could take my cigarettes off of me because he wanted them. I know you're saying this is frivolous because it is. As time went on, he would always put me down, ESPECIALLY when an argument arose. My boyfriend would say things to me like "your butt isn't big enough" or "your stomach looks like sh**." Just recently he said "you're not attractive at all" and "you have no friends." "Your dad doesn't even call you because he doesn't even like you!" By the way, I have two kids; one is his (the youngest one), (the oldest) one is not.

Besides the emotional abuse he put me through for five long years, which why today I have NO SELF ESTEEM AT ALL, there has been plenty of physical violence. He has broken my car windshield, my car's emergency brake, my front door window to my house two times, a bookshelf, has ripped my purse, broken nicknacks on the bookshelf and worst of all my arm. All of the things he broke has been on different occasions.

Also, there have been several instances of him sending "dirty text messages" to other females. One in particular on the day of my birthday, he sent a text msg to a girl saying he wanted to do sexual things with her, another incident where he told a different girl, " it's been a long time coming between you and me."

This history makes me sick to think of everything this man has done to ruin me and put me down in a hole. I'm worried about my kids because they are always in the mist of this and it is not healthy for anyone. I feel worthless, helpless, hopeless and have the worst anxiety because of him.

He's lied to me plenty of times, and I feel as though he treats me like some guy off the street. There is NO RESPECT OR TRUST anymore. And I will always have just one question for myself, WHY DID I PUT UP WITH THIS FOR SO LONG?

I need some help because I cant take being treated like a dog anymore. Several times the police became involved, and we finally have a NO CONTACT ORDER, but he refuses to leave. I don't know how someone can do this to a human??? :(

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Jul 09, 2014
be strong
by: Anonymous

You're just always use to having someone around, being loved by someone. You're afraid of being independent. The first step is to find confident within yourself and the courage to leave without feeling bad; to the point he broke your arm already I don't even know how you can still see any good in a person. Having his child does not give you a reason to stay... Stop being so greedy and take your children to a place where you know it's safe and where they can grow up to be better instead of seeing the horrible things that constantly keeps happening. SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP! leave when you still have the chance.

Aug 09, 2013
Bullies hate pain
by: Carmela from Australia

Bullies get their power knowing that you are afraid. They are like dogs thet can sense your fear. In your body language. Learn to feel strong take self defense lessons even if you do not use them you will be more physically empowered. To have support also would help. Bullies are afraid of pain

Jul 28, 2011
Don't wait to find shelter
by: Brian

Laura, thank you so much for your story. For you sake and for others stuck in this same type of situation, don't wait to find help or a shelter. If your not sure where to find a local helpline or shelter. Then, please call the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

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