The Night My Life Changed Forever - Part 2
Part 2 - One Night, Escaping Domestic Violence
- continued from Part 1
I spent a couple of hours just sitting at the bus stop watching the buses go past. I desperately wanted to go back to my mum but knew as soon as she looked at me I would have to tell her. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I had let someone demoralize and destroy me. I couldn't do it - I couldn't go to my mum. I went back to the flat. There was a note through the door saying how sorry he was and would never come near me again and would send one of his mates in a week or so to get his clothes.
I lit the candles in the fire guard and sat for hours, crying. I have never felt so desperately low. I got out a bottle of vodka and the left over beta blockers. I didn't have either. I had them out for a reason. The reason was that no matter what happened in my life from now on it could not be anywhere near what this experience was and nothing was worth that... The moment of truth!!!!!!
How I Regained Control Over My Life
Needless to say, I was deeply affected by what happened, and I was tired of getting burned. I put in motion moving out, but it would be on my terms, not his. He was not in control. The tables just got turned. In my crazy thoughts at the time, there was nothing he could do to hurt me more than that night, and I was going to face this bully head on which is exactly what I did.
Reporting to the Police for Help
I went to the police station on Easter Sunday and reported what had happened. I was putting an act on by being so strong, when really a part of me died that night, a part of me I will never get back. I wasn't strong and couldn't go through with the idea of going to court, but at least I had reported him so if he ever did anything like this again it would be on his record. Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free
Moving Back To Family
I moved back to Coventry to my nan's house, I have never spoken about this. I have talked around it but never really what happened or the effects it had on me.
Once a week for 3 months I had letters from him and flowers sent to my mums house, which I only ever read once and throw it in the bin. The balloon I let go outside and flowers were binned. I got a job at a bank and kept myself busy, revamping my nan's garden, painting the outside of her bungalow, and building an aviary for the birds. I didn't stop till I dropped with exhaustion. I was so quiet at work and kept myself to myself, never went out.
Nightmares and Ongoing Pain
I cried myself to sleep every night and often woke up screaming of night terrors. In the end I took up Aikido. I wanted to make sure I could look after myself in the future. I had no idea it would become such an enjoyable part of my life. It made me more controlled and disciplined, and I started mingling and going out with the group I was training with. My confidence was growing and growing.
It Is Possible to Meet a Lovely and Kind Man
A few years later I met a guy. I have to be honest. The last thing I wanted was to be near a man, but my friend forced me into it, and I'm so glad they did. He was lovely and patient with me. He found the night terrors very difficult to deal with as he had no idea what was causing them. I had hypnotherapy to try and help as they were starting to get me down, and I didn't want to stay out. Which if I'm honest, the hypnotherapy did help, but the night terrors is something that even now I still have. This guy was good for me at the time, but it was not the right time for either of us and things ended.
I was gutted, but at the same time knew it was right. I wasn't ready. But I was very grateful to have met him as I knew I could allow someone who was understanding to be apart of my life.
In 6 years after what had happened, I had only been with one person, and I was okay with that. I was still growing and getting my confidence back.
Then, I met the most amazing person in my life. He knows I went through a difficult time, but its been my choice not to discuss it and its never become an issue between us. Its been 12 years since that night, and I am now getting married and feel in complete control of my life and my emotions. I still have night terrors, but having such a great bloke in my life he just hugs me and talks me down.
I am more confident and very strong minded. I'm a survivor!!!! Every now and again though, something will happen and it brings it all back. Still, I have not been able to go scuba diving because of the panic attacks I have with the mask on my face.
I was terrified of the dark for many many years, but I have recently discovered that I can't have any light, even off the standby switch on the TV, to sleep. The room has to be pitch black, then I can sleep. I used to see his face leaning over my face even though I was dreaming.
I Have Suffered Long-Lasting Effects
I have found though, I am not as open with people. I'll be friendly but don't really let any one get that close. I'll flirt in a safe environment, i.e. work, but not when I'm out. Instead of being the victim I became whilst desperately avoiding this status, I have gone the other way. I am very opinionated and will argue until black is blue when to be honest its not really necessary to do so. In fact sometimes I'm a cold bitch and, if someone crosses me, there is no forgiveness in me, which I am still working on.
Someone once told me life is like a super highway, each road creating a new passage way, in turn creating new existences and new experiences. Some passage ways are good, some not so good, but each in turn helps shape and create whom we become. And God, that is so true. Although part of me died that night, and I have emotional scars that will probably never heal, I am proud of the person I have become today.