The ousted friend

by Amy
(Concord sc)

I was friends with someone who continues to be in an abusive relationship/ now marriage ...For 5 yrs I was the person she would confined in ..What she told me about her life never added up to the perfect life she displayed on Facebook.. When I finally found myself too caught up and stressed out.. I told her it was too much for me to keep her secret.

She Shut Me Out

She shut me out, and also made it become too difficult for me to remain friends with her sister and mother. Her sister knows the truth as well, but she won't speak up! So I have become the scapegoat !!

I wrote this piece ...

Before you judge me, know this, she came to me with all her troubles. It was not the weather that caused them to cancel their engagement pictures, it was his temper.
Before you judge me know this, he kicked my dog.
Before you judge me, he called her a fucking bitch and asshole and inconsiderate.
Before you judge me know this, she will call me every three months crying.
Before you judge me know this, he degrades, he's thrown a glass full of alcohol and a chair at her.
Before you judge me know this, he pins her up against the wall, held her down when she screamed out loud.
Before you judge me know this, every one of her friends have come to me with their concerns, and worried about how she's changed. Stating she always looks miserable.
Blame me and judge me all you want, I never asked for this. I knew this is how this will turn out. I even told her we were not to be friends two years after the wedding because I hold the truth.
Before you judge me, yes I know I was always the disposable one, no history with this town.
Before you judge me, realize I would never win in this situation, the friend never does.
Before you judge me, what would you do?
Before you judge me, know that I've seen him do this in front of the kids. I've watched him slam tables because he was mad and belittled her when he doesn't get his way.
Before you judge me know this, God wants the truth, God is the truth.
Before you judge the validity of this, ask my friends and my mom. I would go to them quite often because nobody wants to be in this predicament. I did my best to be her friend. I don't wish this position on anyone.
Remember this, Facebook and real life are two different lives. What goes on behind closed doors is always different than what goes on in front of the family and friends.
Before you judge me, do what you want with this information. I encourage you to educate yourself on the narcissistic personality disorder.
Because I guarantee you, this is what you're dealing with.

Good luck and God bless.

Comments for The ousted friend

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Thank goodness I m not alone
by: Anonymous

It is helping me so much to see that I'm not alone...I had doubted myself at times thinking did I get myself too involved in some else's relationship. But then I think I never asked for this she came to me. Of course I would have a reaction when she was telling me abusive he was being, I'd be a monster if I didn't care right?? However it doesn't matter how old you are, it's hard not to get upset and angry when you're getting blame for something you didn't feel you need to be heard.. But I know in the end I do have the truth on my side ..her friends that all came to me expressing their fears and concerns have all recanted their stories and said that I was the one who initiated all the conversations..I can't be fake that's not me..and I can't protect the abuser.

Holding truth among denial is tough
by: Anonymous

Agree it is a heavy weight to carry knowing the truth, but having to act ignorant to the obvious things everyone else is blind to or has bought into the denial. It is tough to look at happy pictures posted on FB, and issue a "like" when you know 2 hours earlier he was pointing a gun at her. I too have been ousted. I am however thinking it is a good thing since I no longer have to spend my energy on a toxic friend. Yes, she is toxic because being married to an abusive person makes the spouse toxic too. All I can say is YOU must come first, and take care of YOU.

We are in the same boat..
by: Anonymous

She has totally blocked me from any contact..i do keep in contact with her sister..she has told me that I am the scapegoat..eventhough her friends feel the same about him..being fake and talking about her behind back seems the norm in all their relationships...I couldn't act like everything was wonderful ,when I knew what Was going on behind closed doors..I don't like being blamed for things i didn't do..but her cutting me out of her life was the best decision.. I m not as stress my Bp is down and health is better..because I'm not carrying about the burden of the truth anymore..

Seems to be a no-win situation
by: Anonymous

I am currently the friend who knows too much. I want to speak out because I want him to be recognized for the monster he is. However, I know I will be the one that nobody believes. I know it will become too uncomfortable for mutual friends to stay friends with me. She said her mother-in-law even told her she should leave. But she stays. The weird thing is I've noticed some things she says and judgments she expresses seem to always be warped and just a little "off". I've found it hard to have any normal conversations with her. I assume this the influence of her abuser. I've had to mostly cut her out of my life, and pulled out of most social activities. Although I miss this circle of friends, I am hoping it brings healthier, happier elements in my life. Unfortunately, I feel like one of this abuser's victims. Hoping all the best for you.

Thanks ginger
by: Anonymous

I continue to get blamed for all this, those friends that came to me.. Well they have all deleted me from fb. I was made the scapegoat ..I am ok with's the truth I have not lied once...I will stand by the truth even if I stand alone...I pray nothing happens to her and the kids..they all think they are being loyal to her ...but sadly they are not!!!

I am in your shoes
by: Ginger

I think you are a good person and have given a lot of support to your friend. I believe it is true that friends have a difficult path to walk. For one thing your friend's view of reality must be very clouded due to the abusive world she lives in. She has been lucky to have you. Please find good things to enjoy in your life that do not include this friendship for now and keep peace in your world. My story is similar to yours except it is my sister who has been in an abusive marriage for 12 years. I became aware a couple years ago that he has guns he points at her, hires private investigators to track her every move, monitors her calls and text messages, frequently calls her "stupid and fat" and recently broke her arm during one of his physical outbursts. She will not leave. I find it intolerable to know what is going on and silently just give her my support. At some point we reach our boundary and that is OK. If your friend is lucky she will find her way out of the toxic elements in her life and will find you again. Bless you.

Response to try this
by: Anonymous

Thank you for taking time to respond..I hope you find peace and the strength to make the right decisions for for my situation, she knows I will always be there for her..that's just the kind of person I am .. Thanks again

Try This
by: Anonymous

I feel for you. I'm in your friends situation right now. Yes, the disorder is just as you put it. I have put my friends in this situation. I realize I'm wearing blinders. Also though, I realize I could be killed, and then it's over. There's no going back. I'm sorry she laid her problems on you. This made her "not alone". I know that feeling so well. At this point, the friendship is over, because he KNOWS you know. Even if she wants to be your friend, she can't. I know your can't realize her situation, but it's very delicate. She can't just leave. If it were that easy, she would. It's very apparent that you love her. You're a stranger to me. But, I can tell you what I would want to hear. I would want to hear this.

I'm sorry that you feel betrayed that I spoke up. I realize you must be in scared, alone, guilt ridden, suicidal, confused, and in an awful situation that I have tried to understand and I can't. I realize that you are warped, feeling worthless, and are in a very dangerous situation that I would wish on no one. I realize that you think you are in love. I realize it's easier to be in love, then to run, when he won't let you leave anyhow. I realize that you fear for your life daily. I KNOW you are a wonderful person. I realize we can't be friends right now and you may even think you hate me or pretend that you do. What I want you to know though, is that I could never hate you. There's nothing you could ever do or say to make me hate you. I would never hurt you on purpose. I love you. Whenever you come back, whether it's five minutes from now, or five years from now, there will be no judgement. All you will find here, is two arms wide open for you. I won't contact you again. Please remember that these arms are waiting for you. Why? Because you are STILL not alone in this. Waiting for you and praying.

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