What if only
Just tried to make it through the day
What if I only……
I often wonder how different my life would have been if I only took a different path in life.
While walking home from a friends house I was taking a different route. I don't know why I went that way. As I turned a corner I bumped into a guy and he complimented me on my beautiful hair. I was often stopped and complimented on my long golden red hair. I just giggled at the comment and continued to walk. The guy tried to make some small take, like what's a pretty girl like you doing walking all by yourself. If he was my boyfriend he would never let me walk alone. I just kept walking. The more I ignored him the harder he tried. He said some funny things and I finally laughed and then it was over. We stopped and talked for awhile and I was intrigued. He was handsome and charming. By the end he asked if he could see me again and I said yes. Maybe you can guess, yes he turned out to be my abuser. I think about it all the time what if I only had walked the the other way. What if I just told him to leave me alone and continue to walk away. Why did I find him interesting after all he was following and bothering me. I wished I had a friend to walk home with maybe he wouldn't have said anything.
The what ifs and the should haves have haunted me all my life. What if I told someone about how he followed me maybe someone would have talked me out of seeing him again.
Many years had passed and we were already in a relationship when he admitted to me that he had been watching me and waiting for a chance to talk to me. The main reason he wanted to get me was because my old boyfriend had told him not to even think about touching me; that I was off limits. I had just broken up with that boyfriend, and he really wanted me back. When my abuser came around to find out who I was, my old boyfriend warned him not to go near me. So my abuser wasn't interested in me, he was doing it to prove to my old boyfriend that he could do what he wanted to do.
What if I stayed with my old boyfriend who treated me like a queen and truly loved me. I broke it off because I didn't think I deserved to be treated so good. Why didn't I think I deserved to be treated good? I wasn't used to it, so I left being treated like a queen and traded it for a life of lies, empty promises, mental and physical abuse. If only I listened to the voice in my head, it was there screaming at me not to talk to my abuser.
So the what ifs and the should of's have ruled my life. I am to the point in my life where I listen to my little voice that says stay away danger. There have been so many should haves and could haves and I contribute this to my anxiety issues.
The "what ifs" and " should haves" will eat you brain.