While Other Teens Where Going To Prom I was Prepairing to Change Diapers

by Maureen P
(New York)

I was a junior in high school when I found out I was going to have a baby. I wasn't even sure how this could happen. After all, I only had sex one time. I had been planning on becoming a nurse, but now I had to plan how I was going to handle a baby and an already violent boyfriend. He knew of my dreams and getting me pregnant was his way of controlling me. I was pregnant, and I would have to depend on him.

I later would realize that a baby was just a pawn for him.

I got pregnant sometime in March of my junior year, and all I wanted was to finish high school. I had horrible morning sickness for the first 5 months. I was so sick, but it was certain times of the day. I was able to get to school before I would be sick. I was lucky the first three classes were lab, so I was pretty much able to come and go from the bathroom without the teacher noticing that I was missing. I never told anyone at school that I was pregnant. I just waited until I was showing. I was fortunate that I had enough credits to graduate early, and by that June I knew I was going to graduate in January of my senior senior year.

I lost a lot of weight because of morning sickness. I really didn't gain too much weight, and for the most part I only gained weight in my stomach area. When I left school for summer break, I was only 3 months pregnant and really sick. In September when I returned to school, I had just started to gain weight and show. My teachers were great, and when I needed to take the time off to have the baby I was able to get my class work and do the work at home.

Early in my pregnancy my abuser decided he was going to join the Army, so he was gone while I was pregnant. When I look back it was a blessing that he was gone. At least I had peace of mind. I started to realize how peaceful I felt when he wasn't around. He had me so conditioned to following his rules that I didn't even know what I was missing. He was controlling who I could talk to and where I could go. I was so loyal, and I wouldn't have done anything to disrespect him. But, he was not in any way loyal to me. He was always fooling around, and if I questioned him about what I suspected he would just go into a rage. So, I just kind of turned a blind eye. It was very hard to be pregnant and emotional and to hear that he had other girls that he was fooling around with. But, I couldn't let that interfere with my pregnancy, and him not being around for pregnancy was a good thing. He had also started to get physically abusive by that time, so I also just enjoyed the freedom from not being abused.

So while other teenagers were planning for prom and buying prom dresses, I was planning on how to handle a baby and buying baby clothes. I was just a scared teenager trying to act like I knew what I was doing, while just trying to survive. I had no time to focus on myself. I had a new life counting on me. I was in too deep, and there was no one to turn to ask for help.