I am exposing my abuser & her son's abuser.
by Gale Chambers
My domestic abuse case was dismissed before it was even heard.
My (former) close friend, who is a current child care worker, canceled mine and my child's reservation because her son molested my daughter. She wanted to silence me because of the stressed relationship with her employer after she robbed my child of her vacation and damaged my career and my reputation. But, worst of all, she victim blamed a preschooler, leaving her with even more emotions that should never be felt by someone so small.
After the abuse, she harassed and stalked us, filed false reports with law enforcement, stole my identity, my property, and the most valuable and unforgivable, my child's trust and innocence. I eventually had to purchase a different vehicle to prevent stalking, harassing messages, and threats related to gaining access to my house and other mutual friends of hers would get involved, I was followed, and she was outside of my child's school every day picking children up from the school. www.gofundme.com/share-and-educate
I had been planning to go to Disney world in late summer/early fall to celebrate the final semester of my 2nd degree and my daughter going to Kindergarten. It would have been the first trip to Disney world as a family, and I had dreamed of taking her since she was born. My close friend has said that she would like to tag along for the trip which I had no issues with. In February, I paid in full for a week in a standard room in my name, with my card, on my account. There was an option only to pay a part or pay all. My friend said she would give me cash if I went ahead and paid in full to offset the immediate cost instead of a payment plan. Since I am in my final year and doing a lot of networking, volunteering, training, and an externship, I am of limited means and budgeted for over a year in advance to save to go on this trip.
Her justification, for stalking, harassing, intimidation, abuse, was for money. She gave me $350 as a deposit for the trip as a gesture of good faith that I could plan on her going. After her son abused my daughter, I didn't want them to go if they wouldn't be getting any help for their remaining issues. But I never expressed this to her, and she no longer wanted to go because she did not like that I felt the matter should be looked into. I told her I would give her money back as soon as I rearranged the trip (after consulting with the psychotherapist and obtaining counseling which was my first priority) and would mail her a check to avoid confrontation as she was taking this very badly, which is understandable given the situation. Three days later, she logged into my account that I had shared with her so she could see the plans, and canceled my vacation. I had already mailed the check. Charges have not been filed because I fear her son would go back to his abusive father if his mother were arrested but instead attempted to resolve the matter in civil court.
Before you read any further, you have to see the story unfold to believe it: Facebook Story
We had been friends for about 15 years, made mischief as teenagers then grew as mothers and professionals together. Through the years that she was with her abusive on/off ex-boyfriend & father of her child (and even the 3-year abusive relationship that she was in prior as a victim and aggressor), I had supported her, whatever her decisions, even if I didn't agree with them. As a trained victim advocate concerning domestic violence and sexual abuse, I know that most abused partners will go back about seven times before they leave the relationship. I will give her credit, that it appears she has finally found her voice and her freedom, but I fear she and her son still suffers from psychological and emotional trauma.
Our children had grown up together with a sibling-like bond. We considered each other as "little/big sister from another mister" and each in others children as a niece/nephew. They lived with us on multiple occasions when fleeing from her ex-boyfriend. I was her and her sons emergency contact (continue to be some places) for everything, school, college, doctor, hospital, employer, extracurricular activities. The mail from her doctor's office still comes to my address. Even when she was with her ex, they would call me if they ever got in a jam and needed me to pick up the kids (He had 2 of his children in his custody). If she needed advice or help, she would always call me, if she needed something done for her or her son that she couldn't do, I would help her get it done.
I've been supportive and understanding of her decisions, despite knowing they would be detrimental to her and her son. They have moved about 18 times in his life. Others suspect that he has been emotionally and physically abused. She stood by and watched for financial security. Going between unstable homes and an abusive relationship because of financial difficulties. The entire time, I was advocating for her in the way that she asked me, by helping with homework, babysitting, recommendations, moral support, etc.
A cautionary tale:
Her son had always picked on my daughter, like many a "big brother" do with their "little annoying sister." Sometimes he would complain about having to let her play in his room, but it was normal. About a month before the abuse, he had been overly excited and eager for us to come and visit, specifically to play with my child.
Both his mother and I felt that it was odd that he was so glad to spend time with her. But, we were delighted they could get along and not worry about him jumping on her, or playing ninja too hard with her, telling her to lie to stay out of trouble, throwing or taking her toys or other what would come to be identified as forms of aggression he has previously shown to her. Mind you, my child is not perfect either but does not go out of her way to assert dominance over another. Also, after this increased interest began, one day he was randomly standing in his room away from my child, with his pants down. I didn't think anything of it as the door he was close to was next to the bathroom. When I told his mother what happened, he was spanked with a belt by his mother and said that my daughter had pulled them down, despite her being on the other side of the room. I believe this was the first time, but a month later, it happened again. Little did I know...
The night of the abuse, he had expressed that he wanted us to come over and that he missed us (my child and I), so like any Saturday night, we went to visit, watch a movie, have a sleepover, like we often had at each other's homes. At one point his mom told him to pick a film out for them to watch, but after a few moments, he came to the door and stated that they didn't need us to put in a movie for them, that they were going to "play with stuff." At that point, he came out of the room unprompted and told his mother that he loved her and gave her a big hug around her neck then went into his room. It was adorable at the time, but hindsight is always 20/20.
His mother walked in the door to find him standing up with his pants down with my daughter on the bed in proximity to him. She said that no one would get in trouble and no one said anything. When she repeated that no one would get in trouble, my daughter told his mother what happened, and then she took him in her room and spanked him with a belt again after a few minutes, then he said that my daughter had pulled his pants down, the same explanation previously used.
After the adorable hug, the door closed, he said, "Let's do the thing one more time, and that's it ." She said, "I'm growing up" to which he replied "I'm bigger than you. They won't know. " I don't like to discuss what was said and what occurred, but I will say that he removed her clothing and his pants and placed his mouth on her. It was coerced, it was calculated, it was purposefully planned, but I never expressed this to her.
I am working to be able to forgive and regather. By sharing my story and what I have learned from this, I hope that it will allow me closure. I plan to create a work of writing that will include this story and many references. If somehow the funds exceed the amount needed for the trip, I will put those towards sharing the message as well as knowledge & resources that are found in the links within this campaign that proved invaluable to me.