I Told Nobody
I was fifteen when we were introduced by our friends, who were dating at the time. He was sixteen. We were with a group of friends, some mine, some his, when we met for the first time. He said hello and smiled. He had such a bright smile. It was calming and trusting. His blue eyes sparkled and his dirty blonde hair swayed back and forth in the wind. He was sweet and kind and apparently in a rush.
Technically I wasn't allowed to date yet. Hanging out with friends was perfectly fine, but dating was off limits until I was *at least* sixteen years old. I was one of those teenagers who would have rather sat inside and read a book than go out with friends and to this day, looking back, part of me really wishes that I had.
The first few weeks went well. He was a year older, was busy with football and to top it off we lived a few towns away, which meant we went to different schools. So during the week, we didn't see each other too much. We spoke briefly on the phone, and he sent me messages on the computer quite a bit. That was fine with me. I was busy too. School, writing, reading... keeping to myself. I liked to do that. When we spoke we spoke about somewhat about family, a lot about friends. What we wanted to do "when we grew up" and our dreams and goals.
He sent me a message one day asking if we could get together. I didn't drive at the time so I said sure but told him that he would have to come pick me up. I said we could go take a walk in the park or something like that. He liked that idea and came to get me. We got to the park and started walking the path. He held my hand halfway through and I thought it was sweet. I said nothing. He began talking about his mother, someone he had never spoken about before to me. When I looked at him, he looked different. His once sparkling blue eyes filled with tears, a sadness overcame his face and he looked as if he was going to break down. It was the anniversary of his mothers death. She had died of cancer, she was his best friend. My heart ached for him. We stopped our walk and sat on the top of a close picnic table. He spoke for a bit more and I gave him a hug. It changed after that....
He put his hands on my shoulders after the hug. He looked at me, those eyes were captivating. My heart raced and I had no idea why. What in the world was going on? He told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he loved me and he was glad I was his girlfriend. To be honest, I don't ever remember us saying we would date, but I guess we were. I never said anything. I think I was in shock that someone could say they loved me without actually knowing me longer than two months. With his hands still on my shoulders, he rubbed them slightly, he went to kiss me and I leaned backwards to move away from him. He leaned in to me, shifting his weight more on top of me. I had put my hands behind me to hold myself up as I leaned back. I realize now that was a mistake. He moved his hands down my arms and tightly wrapped his hands around my wrists. This caused me to be unable to move. He told me he loved me and told me to let him know that I loved him too. I didn't answer. I did try and move. He leaned over me, kissed me quickly, and told me I would love him like he loves me. He moved away and stood up. He told me his mom would have really liked me, he knows she would have. We left the park in silence.
A few hours later I went onto the computer. I had numerous messages from him asking how I was doing. Him telling me he was sorry for being so blunt and seeing when we could hang out again. The last message I saw was asking me where I was. I don't know what was going through my head at the moment, but I remember responding back that I was at home. We made plans to go see a movie in a few days.
Things for the next few months were really good. We hung out when we could, talked on the computer or phone at other times and went about our business.
He picked me up one day. We were supposed to go hang out with a group of friends but he suggested we go do something alone. He started driving and asked me if it was okay. I said I guess and he drove to the town he lived in. We went to the store and then he pulled up to his place. I had never been to his place before and I wasn't sure I was comfortable going in, especially with nobody home, but I did anyway. We sat on the couch and watched a movie. Half way through the movie he stopped it. He put his hand on my leg. I should have guessed... I moved away. He got up and sat directly next to me. He positioned himself so I was cornered on the couch. He kissed me and told me he loved me. He told me if I loved him, we would do something. I said I didn't want to and he moved out of the way. I went to stand up, looking at him, he was different. His eyes seemed blank and he had this look that was unexplainable. He told me I should stay on the couch. I told him I wanted to go home. He said in a while. He said I had no choice, he had to get me home and he didn't feel like taking me home. I told him I should have never agreed to change our plans. He grabbed my wrist, twisted me around and threw me to the couch. He stood in front of me. He told me that I was ugly, stupid, a bitch and he didn't know why he was with someone like me for. He said that nobody else except for him would ever want to f*** me so I should just do him now so I wouldn't end up a virgin the rest of my life. I said nothing... I don't know if saying nothing was the right thing to do but after silence for what seemed like an eternity he got off of me and took me home. I ignored his calls and deleted his messages on the computer for a while after that. That was also the first time he sprained my wrist....
Until one day he sent me messages over, and over, and over, and over again saying how sorry he was. He told me he didn't know what came over him. He said that wasn't like him at all and he would never, ever do it again. That I was beautiful and he didn't want to loose me, he loved me. I agreed to see him again. That was not the brightest idea in the world, but I didn't know that back then.
We were at his place. But we weren't alone, his friends were there. Stupidly enough, I went with him when he wanted to show me something. We walked through the living room into another room. He closed the door to open another one and pulled out pictures. We looked at pictures for a little and I said that we should get back to everyone else. He didn't know what the rush was and came closer. I said we should really get back to everyone else. He wanted to know why I wanted to see his friends more than him. I didn't. I just didn't want to be alone anymore. I went to leave. He must have had something with my wrists because he grabbed me, pulled me closer, twisted me around, and threw me to the bed. The back of my leg hit the frame as I went down. I don't know what I had expected when I landed, but I sure wasn't expecting a water bed. He told me he waited long enough. He pulled me up, leaned in and kissed me. I said he could wait longer that I didn't want to do anything. I went to get up and his hands came out of no where and I got shoved back down. He came in front of me, got on the bed and was over me. He said he loved me. His eyes looked sad and he asked why I didn't love him back. I told him it wasn't that I didn't love him. He kissed me. He said I knew you loved me. So, you can now do something. I said I didn't want to. His hands held my arms down, his knee pressed hard against my leg. I didn't want to, but we had sex that day. It was also the second time he sprained one of my wrists. Too bad it wasn't the same one as last. Now both hurt.
It had been about a year and a half of us dating at this point. Very few people even knew we were and nobody knew what was going on. The people that knew, thought everything was perfectly fine. I wanted to keep it that way. I'm not sure they would have believed me anyway. Plus, he was bigger than me. And despite my reluctance I really did think I loved him. After all, despite the times that were not so good, he was the sweetest person in the world and would do anything for me. Looking back, that's apparently how they want to appear to the outside world.